What are the RED Flags?
How do I know there might be a problem in my relationship?
Learn more here... |
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| - What is Family Life Skills? |
A team of over 125 affiliated centers across the United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Saipan, and Guam. The centers are staffed by trained facilitators who teach the "Learning to Live, Learning to Love" curriculum.
Family Life Skills Center of Champaign provides tools to help individuals learn how to rebuild and improve their self-image. The goal of the Learning to Live, Learning to Love curriculum is to help each individual increase their capacity to function in healthy relationships and where possible, to offer hope of reconciliation.
Painful memories that remain unresolved from childhood can cause reactive behaviors in our adult lives. These behaviors can destroy our potential for happiness and success as individuals. Further result can be damage in our ability to have harmonious relationships and many times we even sabotage our own careers. Left unresolved, anger builds within. Suppressed anger will eventually be expressed in negative behavior which can be damaging to our self and others. Everyone gets angry at some point and time. Expression of this anger in a healthy manner is important to resolve differences and grow. Without the proper understanding, anger is often expressed in unhealthy even violent ways.
The Learning to Live, Learning to Love curriculum teaches skills for all areas of life, providing tools to build healthy relationships with your loved ones and everyone who touches your life.
These life skills are taught to help change behavior, are given in classes designed for men and women separately, in a safe environment. Class time will include working through a student workbook, discussion of the material and class related videos. Classes usually meet 3 hours weekly for approximately 25 weeks, totaling over 75 hours of intense study and education.
For details on class schedules and fees call 351.3033 |
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| - Do I need Family Life Skills? |
| Consider this scenario...Your partner claims to love you, yet often "puts you down" in public. Your partner does not seem to value your opinion or feelings. When you want to do something special, your partner is unavailable but will later demand all of your time and attention. When you express unhappiness at certain actions, you are told, "This is just the way I am, and if you love me you will understand and accept it. "Is this abuse, or just the normal personality differences for which people must make allowances?
Most people would just convince themselves that they need to accept the abusive behavior, "love and understand" the abuser and just go on with their lives. But we are learning that abuse can take many forms. Most of us will recognize the obvious signs of abuse such as hitting or beating. More subtle forms of abuse, which can be as damaging as physical violence, are often overlooked such as verbal and emotional abuse. "If I were only a better person... smarter or better looking..." "If only I was a better cook or cleaned the house better... " "If I only handle the children better..." "If only..."
Most people continue to believe that it is their fault they are abused. "If only..." feverishly sweeps the mind of the one being abused convinced their actions are provoking the abuser and it can be controlled if only...
The first thing to realize is that the abuse is not your fault. There is no justification for abusing another person whether physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally. The abuser needs help, but the abusive behavior is not to be excused.
Know the red flags of abuse in a relationship and exercise your options. There are ways out of this kind of situation. Personalize the conviction that you do not have to tolerate abusive behavior. |
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| -What does it cost to take a class? |
Family Life Skills of Champaign County is committed to providing its program to all that sincerely desire to participate. Family Life Skills also recognizes the importance of its clients' sharing in the support of this program by paying reasonable tuition. Our sliding schedule is as follows: Please note that a tax return and current pay stub provide necessary verification to determine appropriate fees.
Annual Salary |
Total Fee |
Fee/ Week |
| $0 - $15,000 |
$ 500.00 |
$20.00 |
| $15,001 - $30,000 |
$ 650.00 |
$26.00 |
| $30,001 - $45,000 |
$ 800.00 |
$32.00 |
| $45,001 - $60,000 |
$ 950.00 |
$38.00 |
| $60,001 - $75,000 |
$1,100.00 |
$44.00 |
| $75,001 - $90,000 |
$1,250.00 |
$50.00 |
| $90,001 and up |
$1,400.00 |
$56.00 |
Family Life Skills reserves the right to make changes to this fee schedule
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| -What are 3-day Clinics? |
| A clinic is a multi-day seminar taught by Paul Hegstrom, the Founder and Developer of the "Learning to Live, Learning to Love" curriculum. Although a clinic is brief compared to the 25 week program, many skills and tools are gained in the areas of individual and family development which can be put into practice immediately. The clinic also serves to inform, in overview, what is offered by a local affiliate center. |
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| -How often are 3-Day Clinics held? |
| Clinics are held about twice a year in the Spring and Fall. But these are flexible events. Find out when the next clinic is scheduled. |
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| -What is the length of the program? |
| The multi-week program is a psycho-educational program for men and women meeting separately in a classroom setting. Class time involves workbook, videos, overhead visuals, and group discussion. The actual length of the class is adjusted as new material is introduced into the program. |
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| -What is Abuse? |
PHYSICAL ABUSE: Any touch not given in love, respect or dignity.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE: Any communication, admonition, reprimand or reproof that does not uplift, edify, or bring conflict resolution.
There are 16 forms of abuse. Abuse is not just physical. All forms of abuse are devastating and destroy the individuals and the relationships. Some forms of abuse are so subtle that people accept them as a part of their every day life.
Do you recognize any of the following?
- Not allowing a person to have privacy.
- Threatening to end a relationship.
- Uses children to pass messages back and forth, ie., "Tell your mother I said..."
- No communication, instead keeps you guessing."
- If you share a secret it may be used against you.
Have you ever heard, 'If you really love me, you would... " |
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| -What signs of abuse should I look for in my relationship? |
| Consider this scenario...Your partner claims to love you, yet often "puts you down" in public. Your partner does not seem to value your opinion or feelings. When you want to do something special, your partner is unavailable but will later demand all of your time and attention. When you express unhappiness at certain actions, you are told, "This is just the way I am, and if you love me you will understand and accept it. "Is this abuse, or just the normal personality differences for which people must make allowances?
Most people would just convince themselves that they need to accept the abusive behavior, "love and understand" the abuser and just go on with their lives. But we are learning that abuse can take many forms. Most of us will recognize the obvious signs of abuse such as hitting or beating. More subtle forms of abuse, which can be as damaging as physical violence, are often overlooked such as verbal and emotional abuse. "If I were only a better person... smarter or better looking..." "If only I was a better cook or cleaned the house better... " "If I only handle the children better..." "If only..."
Most people continue to believe that it is their fault they are abused. "If only..." feverishly sweeps the mind of the one being abused convinced their actions are provoking the abuser and it can be controlled if only...
The first thing to realize is that the abuse is not your fault. There is no justification for abusing another person whether physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally. The abuser needs help, but the abusive behavior is not to be excused.
Know the red flags of abuse in a relationship and exercise your options. There are ways out of this kind of situation. Personalize the conviction that you do not have to tolerate abusive behavior. |
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| -Is it okay to be angry? |
| Anger is a natural and healthy emotion that all people experience. Everyone feels anger throughout their lifetime, although many people are afraid to express it, or call it by various threatening names. The fear of expressing anger may stem from associating anger with aggression and episodes of screaming, fighting, or hitting... the fear may be loss of control over oneself. In addition, there may be a fear that if angry feelings are expressed, others will not like us, will criticize or attack us, or we will be responsible for someone's "hurt" feelings. Accepting that it is okay to be angry is the first step toward learning new and constructive methods of dealing with anger. Anger is neither "good" nor "bad"... it just IS. The only thing that is "good" or "bad" is how we deal with anger. |
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| -What is real love? |
| When the spiritual, emotional and physical well being of another, their healing, health, and happiness is as important to you as your own - then you really love someone.
A key to remember that will improve relationships:
Write injustices in the sand and kindness in marble. |
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| -When should a man call Family Life Skills for help? |
| A man calls Family Life Skills Learning Center when:
- he feels out of control
- he has frightened his family
- he has broken things around the house
- he verbally harasses his lover
- he has become violent with a woman
- his partner is afraid of him
- his wife has left him for beating her
- he is afraid his wife will leave him
- he is afraid of becoming violent
- he feels suicide is the only way out
- he knows the next step is court or jail |
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| -Why is it that men are always displayed as the batterer? |
| Research shows that 94-95% of reported cases of domestic violence are male against female. In 1998, statistics from the mayor's office showed 7,000 arrests were made in Denver, CO and 97% were men against women. |
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| -If a woman is or has been abused, isn't it her fault? |
| This is a "victim blaming" concept. This myth places responsibility for the abuser's behavior squarely on the woman's shoulders. Most battered woman spend inordinate amounts of energy trying to please and suppress their abusive partners. The reality is that the responsibility for the abusive behavior falls on the man. Though he is unwilling to accept it, as the batterer, he alone is responsible for his behavior. The batterer chooses to abuse his partner, regardless of the woman's behavior. |
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| -Why doesn't an abused woman leave her partner? |
| Some battered woman have mental health issues that influence their situations. Many battered woman do exhibit behaviors that, to those of us outside of the intimate relationship, may seem unusual or even bizarre. It is important to remember that, as an outsider to the abusive relationship, we are not living with the daily threat and fear of abuse or death; these women are. The constant threat of violence will begin to affect how a woman thinks, feels and acts. What appears to be bizarre behaviors to us are often survival strategies women use to keep themselves safe and to control their environment to the best of their perceived abilities. |
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| -Is it true that alcohol and drugs cause abusive behavior? |
| For many years it was believed that if an abusive partner curtailed his alcohol or drug use, the battering would cease. These substances were blamed for the batterer's behavior. We now know that being intoxicated or high is simply an excuse for abusive behavior, not its causes.
Certainly, many abusive relationships involve alcohol and chemical dependency issues. Battering and chemical dependency, while they may have a common denominator in the person, they are still two separate issues. Research indicates that even when a batterer quits drinking or using drugs, the battering continues. He will simply find something or someone else to blame for his behavior. |
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| -Aren't men who abuse their partners all socially inept or violent in all their relationships? |
| It is a common misconception that the batterer treats people outside the abusive relationship the same as he does his partner. This is typically not the case. Many batterers exhibit a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. Batterers can be quite charming and delightful when they want to be. This is how so many women get pulled into these relationships. Finally, the batterer may seem loving and attentive. Eventually, his behavior becomes abusive.
The split personality of the batterer my contribute to the myth that battered women are mentally unstable if they choose to stay in an abusive relationship. If a woman gathers the courage to reach out to a friend, family member, or coworker, and that person has seen only the charming side of the batterer, the listener may find the woman's stories of abuse and terror difficult to accept. People in whom she confides may experience disbelief and think there is something wrong wit her. It is noteworthy that a batterer's behavior outside the abusive relationship is a good indicator of his potential for violent behavior with his partner. If he is violent with someone other than his partner, the chances of her getting seriously hurt rises tremendously. |
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| -Is it true that abusive relationships will never change for the better? |
| The key to changing an abusive relationship is the batterer's willingness to accept responsibility for his actions.
If the batterer admits to the abusive behavior, wants to change and seeks counseling, then he has a chance to recover. If the batterer will not accept this responsibility and refuses to change, the woman's greatest chance for living nonviolently is to flee the relationship. If the woman is willing to set the appropriate boundaries for herself, believes her value and worth as a human being, and develops and utilizes the resources and support systems available to her, she has taken a giant leap toward finding peace in her life. |
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| -Is there a corporate Family Life Skills? |
| Life Skills Learning Centers International is located in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Paul Hegstrom is the founder. Find out more about the founder. |
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